We all spent the day ...

today ... remembering Dad across England in our segments of the world; being the start of term for daughter and for me my destiny of challenges to start my studies and containment of life to do my bucket list of recovery.

It would have been lovely to get to Cornwall again this year... with my fears and plans it was not possible ... we hope to catch up sometime to assist with tasks in the things Dad used to do ... as we all muddle through without the men in our lives now ...

Another Mourning Morning ...

... similar times of day ... both deceased hubby and Dad ...

One Sunny Autumn Morning at breakfast time ... a year ago ... Our Dad with no fuss or fanfare as requested; with just us present ...  having slipped away into the deep sleep that happens when you are in the final stages of terminal illness ... briefly opened his eyes ... took his last breathe and slipped away simply and peacefully ... 

Melting Monday ...

... to trifling Tuesday ... melt downs ... smiles ... and much more ... silly, sad, stupid, terrific, faded and vibrant moments ... for once noticing the black sky just before it rained ... still that did not entice me to get the camera out to capture the moments ... 

And another task not achieved is a photo of a flower in bud through to full bloom or the chestnut unfurling ... no matter, I have charted ... so much ... in the new memories ... since in the moments I do not fade away too much ... 

Soothing Sunday

although still this heaviness surrounding ... Me... 

Put some ideas into practice...but generally basic functions achieved today... 

Hope to achieve a more structured week despite the milestones that are facing us these coming days. And I do not know what it is like outside, or in the world... Only that, someone in the upper year we knew from school, have more carcinogenic tumours come back... 

Time Marches on

it is many moments magical and otherwise and milestones too later since moments lost died and more; changed drastically my course of life. 

Opening up challenge opportunities and people that would otherwise not been happened. that is how I have tried to see this conflicting tragedy that befell us.

My words and thoughts may be muddled. I will strive to do rather than think about blog rather than shall I or not and all future goals that I night be fortunate to achieve 

Glum Time ...

... we have these times ... mine is where I fade from everyday life and snuggle up in the room we spent our final days and at least this year I am warm and cosy ... only family noticed my first season ... where I had issues to put on the central heating ... I should die from the cold too ... were those initial thoughts ... Why did only I survive and not get  ***********

Now ... I have been all warm and toasty and snuggled in the warmth of clothes, duvets and the softest of throws and heat ... 

Rain and wind and the darker evenings ...

dramatic skies ... walking in the middle of a vicious thunderstorm and the downpour that followed are to me the wonders like today and the eclipse I missed this year when I fade away 

I have encapsulated images and words since ... our daughter had comfort from your P>S>I Love You moments. I only hope that not only now ... but if these words are still floating around and from my archives give her some future pleasure ... She found my images from the last year with her Dad this last week in her archives ... she helped me in the early days of our loss ... to save images from that time before they were lost and filed them for me ... And I made a film or few from them back in the Spring myself when I decided to have a You Tube account ... only have limited editing at the mo ... her film skills can elaborate if I don't do any film studies ... They are more expensive to study to the disability degrees you can do ... 

Second nature ...

... some areas of life starting to have some structure again ... and a combination of some coming to together in a less stressful way ... after a little bit of chasing up and letting events take their naturally course and less focus on wasting time on nonsense.

And if that made any sense at all;  from this head of mine to this post ... basically I now have:-

• Two days of study, 
• One day  occasionally to try out a new environment 
• And the rest between time out to do what I like in life ... Mainly the weekend ... 
• ... And clearing the home and re-organisation of the foundations of the home that I was left with ... on the rest of the week ... mainly the working week ... 

All easier said than done. I have been striving for this for a while. It fell in to place on a short amount of support earlier in the year. The network opportunities when I took time out from going round in circles in the home, to get out and stop being so tied to the home. And naturally finding studies to be a way to gain a future vocational aspiration may not previous have done. To start on something entirely new for this academic year ... to form a more firm goal. And to see where it takes me. 

And one Thundery Thursday in August ... on my environment at home and how to work through that.

And much harder when emotions and dreams get in the way, also physical illness too  ... missed my computer studies today. 

City Life from Kernow ...

... yesterdays mixed bag of emotions leading to thoughts of arriving at London Paddington and settling in my new home and job with an American Dutch family. I had such a beautiful time being part of this family for a few years until the husband passed away and eventually the family moved back to Holland ... despite the loss of a lovely person the most beautiful time before I settled down with my hubby to be ... especially experiencing city life after Kernow ... They introduced me to so much ... 

Mixed bag of emotions ...

time out now ... for the hard work of the struggles this last week of unnecessary lack of communication ... dealt with it myself; which in itself is a good sign ....

Managed among all that to have my breakfast out; which I have not done for too long on my own ... my cousin helped with that ...  back in the early days to get me used to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. I had continued to do it until Dad had complications from his brain surgery.

And with more forthcoming milestones and the anniversary of being up here for a good few years in November ...to achieve more goals I recently set out to do and not done yet. 

I always remember arriving at Paddington that November day ... leaving Cornwall and setting out on the train with my suitcases ... minimal stuff ... and look what happened ... 

Troubled Times

Troubled Times

Like Lemon and Limes

Sweet and sour 

When all is dour

Tense in stress

Of life a less

During darkness a dense 

Making a non sense

Wonders in seeing the daylight

 After so many nights

Stepping out to see the sights 

And enjoying the delights

It was strange ...

being back in Dartford and getting a few moments in the rain in the park on Tuesday. The roses were still budding and blooming, the Dahlias were fading. And the colour in the displays were altering as the season progresses. It is so revitalising to see this year in Kent. Last year was so disjointed being all over the place. It has been good to see this county as the seasons change.

It had only been a few weeks since I was last there, unfortunately time does not matter to me still; as much as I am slowly functioning back into the way some of society works. 

Yesterday I am confused as to what I achieved. Today I went out late morning and coming back for a quiet afternoon immersed in some films, that were a tad longer than usual ... sitting down from about 4-9pm especially after a disturbed night ... to have a peaceful rest up for a change during the week. 

It is good that I have a little record of what I have done; to help when I do get confused, which still very much happens.

Dartford Delights

September 1st

The dahlias are fading ... it was a few weeks since last in Dartford and much seasonal change noticed in that time ... and queuing out the door in the bakers ... back to school by next time ...

Still to have a candle in the muffin I bought ... I purchased some sparkling ones this time ... looking forward to that ...

And the drizzle continues ...

September 1st, 2015

... trudged through the rain in the park ... nothing puts me off ... after not getting outside for too long ... once I am out ... try to make most of it ... feelings notwithstanding ... capturing raindrops ... immortalized in the moment ...