Arrival in the Dark ...

Central London To My Destination in Kernow ...

Destination Darkness ...

This time on this particular journey ... from Kent to Kernow ... The positive side in this is getting to see some Christmas lights splendour already in situ ... 

The golden wreath lights done artistically, passing through Bodmin. And the local garden centre on the outskirts of the town I was travelling to, had the tree lights sparkling in the normal trees, reflecting beautifully in the pond. 

All beautifully done ... without the tackiness of the harsh side of decoration; or too much ... but then that is me ... 

London Victoria Coach Station, England, UK .

The day arrived ... to travel to environments still different to me after social isolation for a time that comes from living with a hoarder.

We travelled out of London via the area I lived and worked for a time. A well travelled area of past years. We passed the back of Buckingham Palace through the harassed drivers of Hyde Park Corner, on into Knightsbridge, passing the Christmas decorated window displays of both Harvey Nicholls and Harrods on the left.

We carried on straight until eventually passing the u shape square where I lived for a time, on the right.

Also on the right very soon after is the first of the local museums at that time; the Victoria and Albert museum, soon followed by The Natural History museum.

We travelled on past these historic buildings continuing along Cromwell Road out of London onward bound ... for the long journey to Kernow...

The Shadows of Darkness ...

from the buildings whether a village, town or city ... cast a darkness of ambiance that is always there at certain times ... It will be interesting how I react or not when I go to some forthcoming environments of old and new ... shortly ... getting from A-B via London ... 

It always depends which way we leave this city too ... it is OK if we travel by the Thames ... but first I have a walk to do in the hustle and bustle ... of some busy stations and streets ...

That reminds me I will need some change as always ... going to the toilet in London  ... costs more than a penny ...

Even in the city there is routine ... the souvenir stall ... usually have the same person ...  

As always thoughths to words are faster than I can ....

keep up with ... the good trouble of creating ... I recall how the Bee gees jot and get their words captured ... difference being my works went ... so this post loss of husband and mourning time has been done rather differently ... 

Only thing ... is on one blog alone is 60+ published and more in drafts ... and many, many more ... it is keeping up to speed ... 

With daughters encouragement and my late husband's too ... and thanks to all that inspires me ... in this world of ours ... it is more than worth while jotting these words into creations to share out there and give what others words give to me in return 

Rooms in this Home ...

are becoming the rooms that they were original created for ... 

And the devices my sister has passed on, or given as gifts became my virtual, in the cloud, whatever it gets called ... for:-

• Books  
• Folders 
• Files
• Books 
• Games
• Correspondence
• Maps 
• Travel
• Streaming
• Music
• Movies
• Home Movies
• Photos
• Documents
• Printing ... if you must ... 
• Security 
• Social 
• Musical Instruments 
• Blogging 
• Publishing
• Book Marks
• Sketch Books
• Designs 
• Paint Charts
• Home Design 

creating space in these rooms ... as yet cannot see ... but one day will come together ... 

• Kindle ... more than just books ... 
• And as always some Apps are a complete waste of time ...
• Again parting with money is all logic to quality and need ... and again the unnecessary ...

I like too those ... that you can access off line ...  and using devices with updates that you can control ... I live very simply and mobile at present for various options ... due to what past ...

The Waiting Room ...

only recently hearing a good old moan about one of the doctors ... for some of us who write or create with words ... as with the public bench and many other places I have experienced long before the tragedy that befell us and  ... still to do 

This is an interesting place to be whiling away the time ...

a very interesting place ... in fact in one waiting area ... I had more than an eyeful; while someone showed off their artwork on their thigh ... 

On the day my husband died; the Christmas Office Celebrations were in full swing  ... ironic for a fun loving outgoing man ...

All the Sounds of this Town ...

over the last day ... starting in the night with the goods trains, the dust cart, the clanking of scaffold, the passenger trains, the road sweeper and the sea gulls. I not sure which day I heard the recycle banks changed. 

The sea gulls spurred my motivation ... here you only hear the seagulls in land on bad sea days; in Kernow it is part of the soundery ...

Remember Remember

Village Fireworks 

This time ... instead of that I rather not ... naturally time has carried on ... I belong here ... not there now and been more interested in my hobbies than for a while ... 

Calm before the Silly ...

all will be seen as the week progresses ... And the requirement of stocking up the home with those perpetual items we use in our day to nourish and clean ... Hoping to settle down for a mid evening film or as with +1 

I no longer record to watch; as again more to do to irritate me after living with hoarding .... And if I wish there are other options now like streaming if I am up to speed with tech speak ... 

A Warmer Night Air ...

for a spontaneous trip to some village fireworks with a roaring bonfire, mulled wine, hot dogs, a raffle, with the fireworks set against the backdrop of the ruins of a castle ...

An amazing, sparkling display with applause from an appreciative audience. A clear night sky twinkling with those stars so taken for granted; joined in recent weeks with more twinkling fairy dust from the many fireworks set off into the air above us ...

Take a Leaf out of ...

my maternal Nan's book ... getting rid of most of your life's possessions, before you depart to the next life ...  she was pragmatic and did this in her plans as she reduced things throughout their life, and at the end when she was widowed four years before she too passed away ... They both lived to a good age.

The Bracing Night Air ...

this time of year with Bonfire Night and then the Christmas lights to come. And coming back from these outside events in the cold air and returning to a warm and cosy home even though the empty space beside me is never far, so too the legacy of the clutter still evident, but low lights and an ambiance of sorts, eases the eye.

What Was ... What Is ...

all is quiet and another night on from that day my life changed beyond the empty nest ... becoming completely empty and void of what I knew including the surroundings on the untimely passing of my husband in medieval circumstances in the 21st century ... It was more than strange ... And if I live in the Northern Hemisphere I would feel exactly the same devoid of everything I had come to know ... 

Those moments or maybe in life of the usual ... leaving school, leaving home ... maybe getting married ... vocation change, promotions etc  ... as life moves through time ... maybe divorce ... miscarriages ... illness ... death ... living with alcoholism ... or the unusual ... hoarding ... animal collecting ... 

Enjoying a Marmalade ...

I had been looking forward to making. I have still not achieved doing so this year. And today I had hoped to cook a casserole to keep my home cosy. I will try again tomorrow. 

I will oven bake some fruit too. For one, I make use of the oven for all reasons ... cost ... warmth ... simplicity and less fuss with various pots and pans and reduces condensation and washing up ... And also easier when unwell.

Since being able to use the kitchen at a whim again; is something that was never understood and is natural for us to do so. And the white goods so taken for granted. 

I Still Miss ...

All the males of the immediate family all gone now...all could cook ... Dad had special recipes and did cooking at times ,.. not always in the kitchen at home. but on our holidays too. The special barbecues along the Camel trail long before the rules and regs we have now ... Outstanding and obviously memorable ... 

A Friday with A Difference ...

with my life piecing together some more ... oral health is still not taking seriously by some in the adversity we went through ... when all strands structures and routines of life as I knew it disintegrated ans shattered beyond recognition ...

Only now am I piecing together aspects of my health that is not seen ... and then not heard ... 

Day of Days in a Year of Years

the invisible climb getting to where I was once in my life ...  but time having moved on while off course of life with my late husbands complex needs from how I once knew it ...  that went on his untimely death and is now becoming visible once again to what I once knew but is new ... slowly from the start of this current year and as the same year draws to its conclusion ... 

The complex workings of the mind ...

Another study from the many posts on blogs that could end up in a lecture at a uni ... as often joked with those currently at uni ... themselves ...

The Golden Glow of a late October Day ...

The colour of gold was everywhere today ... along with rustic reds and the most beautiful bronze ... all vibrant to me after those long, dark, dank, dull days trying to get my late hubby the much needed help until I too succumbed to that environment ... leaving my torso covered with such a rash ...

There was a lot to see and feel today after such a wet start to the day ... it was a bonus too, not only getting to have lunch in the park, but to feel the warmth of the sun too. With a dramatic blue and white cloud sky thrown in for good measure.   

And many conversations today despite the time of year and darker evenings; all were of a happy note about the warmth of the day, after the rain ... And to top it all, seeing the gold sun, with those golden rays towards this day's end, filtering the most beautiful hues over the now ploughed fields that were a delight to get to see ... long after those very same fields, now harvested, were glowing with a different reflection of yellows in the stunning fields of gold, only a season before ...

You do not need a Calender ...

or leave the home to know it is half term ... here ... The joyful sounds of the youngsters playing outside reminds you as such ... 

Bonds of Friendship ...

It seems mild out and it is quiet otherwise ... They are making the most of the weather and time well spent enjoying the sights sounds and play ... And forming bonds of those friendships that one day will become polite instead of rushing round to see if you can play at a drop of a hat ... 

Electronic Games ...

which are fun and funny ... and good for keeping the mind in good shape too ...  

Again this is something you can experience as though you are doing it like Temple Run and the graphics on that are stunning ...

It is strange to me though; how you can have conversations with and look after virtual animals. It is quite scary how this responds to you ... a bit like robotics and science fiction becoming fact ...

Still all fascinating what there is that you can play and do these days ...

Shopping ...

was an interesting exercise today, firstly my strength is not fully functional yet, and again sourcing a basket was even more difficult than before. One of The cheeses I like to get from time to time was not in stock ... Spending time looking for alternatives and negotiating shop layout changes is exasperating at the best of times ... 

Product Placement ...

Is a point of contention with me coming from a market town that still has the high street shops with the personal touch ... it does not entice me even less so after living with a collector. And not to go shopping on an empty stomach with the best day to go shopping are all discussions long past now.

Buying For One ...

though was a lot easier today and some of these items were on offer too ... I was able to get some part meals for the store cupboard to use when my appetite is better. It just the need to get the fresh produce when I am ready ... in effect meals are sort of planned to go with the flow ...

Temperature dipped ...

In the time out this afternoon ... But I was out for a good couple of hours alone sitting on that bench installing apps of games suggested and watching the world go by ... 

I did take the camera out unfortunately, it was enough just to get a nice piece of steak and some milk and upload ... I found that tiring in itself today ... 

Now it is time to slow cook some good nutritious food in time for the forthcoming evening of working out a solution to a current problem or trying again tomorrow, if I find a good movie is on ... instead ... 

Another varied day in my recovery of recovery of recovery and grief ... 

Sitting on yet another bench

This time as Asda cafe is being renovated and using the WiFi to download some apps ... it has been as always a very interesting time as I sit here

The Carrier Bag Charge

It is good to see less carrier bags although as previously stated there is pros and con ...

• Ease of unpacking for home deliveries 
• Hygiene reasons 

The thing is if you look at it whether you pay the carrier bag charge or all the array of bags to purchase in the chain stores you are paying either way 

For me I have my trusty shopping trolley and an Eden Project sustainable bag my sister purchased for me. However the mood or amount of shopping depends on which is used.

The Derelict Post Office

There is a lot of change in my town presently with shops and offices shifting around ... and from where I am sitting the amount of people still working out where the post office has moved to ... this has been since Monday 3 August I believe...

It is eerily as though time has stood still as you see into the darkened room and counters behind the windows 

No room for wheelchairs

And as I am writing this just had a conversation with a wheel chair user trying to get through a narrow gap with a display unit put in way of access 

And another conversation about how these benches slope back  

Browsing through the photos ...

... 

... And so remniscent of times past now without the men in our immediate family who were once here ... And all the Autumnal walks not only with them in days gone by ... But enjoying many a walk with just me and one of our few dogs we have had over the years ... before and after I moved away from home ... 

There is something alluring about spending time alone with your thoughts ... which is now more often than not ... these days now 

Another Monday in the same Park ... in the Garden of England ...

after more rest and recovery ... taking more photos ... and enjoying the sights sounds and some smells around me ... homeless people ... students ... Mums and their babies ... business men and so much more today and as is park life through the centuries. A place like the seaside and piers it could certainly tell us many stories through the eras ... The place is timeless in certain aspects and we come and go like the fashions and forms of vehicles that silently echo through that has gone before ... us ... from the here and now ...

Achieved my quiet and ...

... restful day yesterday ... tentatively hoping to get out later today ... had a few moments of problems with my health ... and trying to eat little and often to restore my loss ... been trying to learn some more new tech things with my devices. 

It is harder with the concentration levels dipped due to my rough time physically. It is better to try and keep busy, to do the best I'm able ... and at least I was left alone yesterday. 

A quiet day ...

making plans, as always my goal posts have adjusted to include the extra medical appointments and new plans to solve all the recent added stress and reduce it all to more of a minimum. I am hoping to rest some more today peacefully, and try and get out tomorrow. 

In my life, there is always plenty to do, For the moment the main priority is to focus on the things I enjoy, and watch some more movies, too. 

Monday in a Park

... after an erratic time of one health issue, following another and then left low, when I had an adverse reaction to new medication. It left me weak.

Dartford Park

I needed to get to see some different scenery and decided to take a bus ride out of my town and run an errand. And I briefly stopped by the park to see how the seasons were amalgamating from one to the other. It took my mind off things for a while. 

I had missed chunks of time with first resting from an ear problem. And no sooner than I finished a course of antibiotic spray, I had to deal with a reaction to the next lot of medication to assist in keeping my iron stores topped, restored and healthy. 

It is more than a nuisance that I am now again back to being dizzy, with the hope that I replace the nutrients swiftly. 

Out of Action ...

With a bothersome recurring ear dilemma that happens from time to time since last week ... Kept life to a minimum while resting to aid healing ... The course of antibiotics has finished ... I a m waiting a few more days  to see if it settles down ... Otherwise another trip to the doctors to see what is happening ... 

All these things I am careful of ... lack of daylight causes long term health problems... besides the broken heart that nothing can heal ... Which is why I have left a electronic trail since that death day and knowing there is one person to follow that trail 

If I escape long term health problems ... As often said stress  ... weight fluctuations ... my husband used to say there was nothing to me ... There was a lot of teasing that I was too thin .... And of a photo put in the kitchen cupboard of me from the days I first met hubby .... all this reduces life expectancy ... 

I have experienced the full spectrum of weight from too lean to the opposite ... And conversations of all sorts over the years to more recent have kept a wry inner smile going ... I know both sides the coin and both you get relentless teasing etc ... 

We all spent the day ...

today ... remembering Dad across England in our segments of the world; being the start of term for daughter and for me my destiny of challenges to start my studies and containment of life to do my bucket list of recovery.

It would have been lovely to get to Cornwall again this year... with my fears and plans it was not possible ... we hope to catch up sometime to assist with tasks in the things Dad used to do ... as we all muddle through without the men in our lives now ...

Another Mourning Morning ...

... similar times of day ... both deceased hubby and Dad ...

One Sunny Autumn Morning at breakfast time ... a year ago ... Our Dad with no fuss or fanfare as requested; with just us present ...  having slipped away into the deep sleep that happens when you are in the final stages of terminal illness ... briefly opened his eyes ... took his last breathe and slipped away simply and peacefully ... 

Melting Monday ...

... to trifling Tuesday ... melt downs ... smiles ... and much more ... silly, sad, stupid, terrific, faded and vibrant moments ... for once noticing the black sky just before it rained ... still that did not entice me to get the camera out to capture the moments ... 

And another task not achieved is a photo of a flower in bud through to full bloom or the chestnut unfurling ... no matter, I have charted ... so much ... in the new memories ... since in the moments I do not fade away too much ... 

Soothing Sunday

although still this heaviness surrounding ... Me... 

Put some ideas into practice...but generally basic functions achieved today... 

Hope to achieve a more structured week despite the milestones that are facing us these coming days. And I do not know what it is like outside, or in the world... Only that, someone in the upper year we knew from school, have more carcinogenic tumours come back... 

Time Marches on

it is many moments magical and otherwise and milestones too later since moments lost died and more; changed drastically my course of life. 

Opening up challenge opportunities and people that would otherwise not been happened. that is how I have tried to see this conflicting tragedy that befell us.

My words and thoughts may be muddled. I will strive to do rather than think about blog rather than shall I or not and all future goals that I night be fortunate to achieve 

Glum Time ...

... we have these times ... mine is where I fade from everyday life and snuggle up in the room we spent our final days and at least this year I am warm and cosy ... only family noticed my first season ... where I had issues to put on the central heating ... I should die from the cold too ... were those initial thoughts ... Why did only I survive and not get  ***********

Now ... I have been all warm and toasty and snuggled in the warmth of clothes, duvets and the softest of throws and heat ... 

Rain and wind and the darker evenings ...

dramatic skies ... walking in the middle of a vicious thunderstorm and the downpour that followed are to me the wonders like today and the eclipse I missed this year when I fade away 

I have encapsulated images and words since ... our daughter had comfort from your P>S>I Love You moments. I only hope that not only now ... but if these words are still floating around and from my archives give her some future pleasure ... She found my images from the last year with her Dad this last week in her archives ... she helped me in the early days of our loss ... to save images from that time before they were lost and filed them for me ... And I made a film or few from them back in the Spring myself when I decided to have a You Tube account ... only have limited editing at the mo ... her film skills can elaborate if I don't do any film studies ... They are more expensive to study to the disability degrees you can do ... 

Second nature ...

... some areas of life starting to have some structure again ... and a combination of some coming to together in a less stressful way ... after a little bit of chasing up and letting events take their naturally course and less focus on wasting time on nonsense.

And if that made any sense at all;  from this head of mine to this post ... basically I now have:-

• Two days of study, 
• One day  occasionally to try out a new environment 
• And the rest between time out to do what I like in life ... Mainly the weekend ... 
• ... And clearing the home and re-organisation of the foundations of the home that I was left with ... on the rest of the week ... mainly the working week ... 

All easier said than done. I have been striving for this for a while. It fell in to place on a short amount of support earlier in the year. The network opportunities when I took time out from going round in circles in the home, to get out and stop being so tied to the home. And naturally finding studies to be a way to gain a future vocational aspiration may not previous have done. To start on something entirely new for this academic year ... to form a more firm goal. And to see where it takes me. 

And one Thundery Thursday in August ... on my environment at home and how to work through that.

And much harder when emotions and dreams get in the way, also physical illness too  ... missed my computer studies today. 

City Life from Kernow ...

... yesterdays mixed bag of emotions leading to thoughts of arriving at London Paddington and settling in my new home and job with an American Dutch family. I had such a beautiful time being part of this family for a few years until the husband passed away and eventually the family moved back to Holland ... despite the loss of a lovely person the most beautiful time before I settled down with my hubby to be ... especially experiencing city life after Kernow ... They introduced me to so much ... 

Mixed bag of emotions ...

time out now ... for the hard work of the struggles this last week of unnecessary lack of communication ... dealt with it myself; which in itself is a good sign ....

Managed among all that to have my breakfast out; which I have not done for too long on my own ... my cousin helped with that ...  back in the early days to get me used to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. I had continued to do it until Dad had complications from his brain surgery.

And with more forthcoming milestones and the anniversary of being up here for a good few years in November ...to achieve more goals I recently set out to do and not done yet. 

I always remember arriving at Paddington that November day ... leaving Cornwall and setting out on the train with my suitcases ... minimal stuff ... and look what happened ... 

Troubled Times

Troubled Times

Like Lemon and Limes

Sweet and sour 

When all is dour

Tense in stress

Of life a less

During darkness a dense 

Making a non sense

Wonders in seeing the daylight

 After so many nights

Stepping out to see the sights 

And enjoying the delights

It was strange ...

being back in Dartford and getting a few moments in the rain in the park on Tuesday. The roses were still budding and blooming, the Dahlias were fading. And the colour in the displays were altering as the season progresses. It is so revitalising to see this year in Kent. Last year was so disjointed being all over the place. It has been good to see this county as the seasons change.

It had only been a few weeks since I was last there, unfortunately time does not matter to me still; as much as I am slowly functioning back into the way some of society works. 

Yesterday I am confused as to what I achieved. Today I went out late morning and coming back for a quiet afternoon immersed in some films, that were a tad longer than usual ... sitting down from about 4-9pm especially after a disturbed night ... to have a peaceful rest up for a change during the week. 

It is good that I have a little record of what I have done; to help when I do get confused, which still very much happens.

Dartford Delights

September 1st

The dahlias are fading ... it was a few weeks since last in Dartford and much seasonal change noticed in that time ... and queuing out the door in the bakers ... back to school by next time ...

Still to have a candle in the muffin I bought ... I purchased some sparkling ones this time ... looking forward to that ...

And the drizzle continues ...

September 1st, 2015

... trudged through the rain in the park ... nothing puts me off ... after not getting outside for too long ... once I am out ... try to make most of it ... feelings notwithstanding ... capturing raindrops ... immortalized in the moment ... 

Rustic Red ...

Inspiration for a fall milestone 

All seasonal ideas  ... one season blending into another ... keeping busy with ideas ... and the forthcoming fall and academic year ... soothing day ... a change is good as a rest ... back to being analysed this week ... the tables will be turned eventually ... what goes around comes around ...

Restful Day ...

... still making plans ... my mind does not rest ... words floating about ... when I have eaten will try and type some out ... and sharing more of my works ... daughter catching up with my poetry ... was able to tell her in person a lot ... last month ... intrigued ... boyfriend didn't know ... until helped in retrieving items and discussions came up ... 

Creativity unfortunately lost ... destroyed or suppressed ... in those times ... so all are very happy to see I am finally continuing ... despite lost works ... nothing you can do about the past ... so enjoy this now ... 

I often told my hubby to use updated tec to record his beautiful voice ... only daughter capturing it ... do we have some of it  ... it was lost in his illness ... sadly ...

Inspiration from the park
Summer 2015

Then came the drizzle ...

... just as I was walking along the grass ... on a circular walk taken me pass and through the next village from my town ... on arriving back home felt a lot more refreshed ... giving me a more relaxed evening ... so  am hoping for a more settled Bank Holiday weekend ... My family have been very supportive while my care is not conducive again ...

the sun is shining

For how long?... and a tad in my heart today... achievements in my works ... and hope to sort my yarn stash and work out colours and make some simple items that don't take time to swiftly pass some time these long evenings coming again ... I tend to be dawn to dusk on a good day and settle down to craft by daylight lamp...as I once did ...

But catching up ....

with leisure activities so missed during our silly season ... spending an evening in the fresh crisp air of late Summer watching the annual August bank holiday fireworks ... followed by a bag of chips with sweet and sour sauce ...

Miss the ...

... the little things ... on feeling woozy after a bath ... on little food ... the basic functions ... and having to sit a while before can get a drink ... usually I have the necessary items to hand on a good day ... par for the course until my health is back on track ... and have more energy again ... mental health so impacts physical ... but still the poor relation in the health service ... which since 1948 has done wonders for the populations health ... but still our archaic history on mental health reflects even in this system ... come a long way ... but still much to go ...

Focusing on the Good ...

... with a bit of difficulty ... getting back to task in hand ... the here and now and ... forward ... island life even more of a draw ... so many options ... open to me ...now is the time to try and enjoy this ... 

lots of smiles today ... so I must have been smiling today ...

Life is never dull ...

... just the pain ... that no-one can ever see ... as you go about day to day ... just as a lot of others do ... the amount of lonely people in this busy world around us and even though we are surrounded by so much they are still lonely .... as confided along this journey of those who knew my late hubby ... for a lot of people may have said bad things ... a lot too who knew him better appreciated what he did for them personally or in helping his community ...

adjusting the time

As always is now... adapting to the mood ... 

... either I am hearing things or the door is busy...but all seems far away 

my dilemma

Either I misunderstood life or life misunderstood me

Still it goes on ...

... stay so focused ... still carries on ... time and again only we know as we only would >>>we see life only from our viewpoint ... through our eyes ... 

All those comments ... advice .... will do ... but don't ... lies ... shunned ... all happened and will continue ...

More comments ... to face tomorrow ... 

I am the blame for the *** *********** and ***** ... cos not dealt with swiftly and with common sense 

Don't need this right now ... 

Pain easier to hide or suppress ... than face it ... I face it ... not the easiest thing ever nut better than behind a stupor ... 

With sis support working through the home with my old way of getting things done with the new fears and obsession's unfortunately come my way .... and get in the way ... Life here and now ... 

Let me off today ... double dose of work on de-clutter on Wednesday ... ???

One fall ...

One fall my life was to change beyond recognition after the excitement of our daughter gaining her place at her chosen university that fall ... and the fateful timeline of events unfolding at the same time 

The stigmas and assumptions of both mental health and intelligence and smells did not aid the situation of events ...